...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Kevin (I hope you read this)" - 2005-07-19, 11:34 a.m.
Hi. I forget exactly where I got this link from, but since I do have it, I thought I'd look in on you from time to time. You see, where I always had issues with our situation, was in those instances where I was told that I didn't care and that I was an "asshole". What's funny is you care enough to even call me an "asshole" in your online diary (blog). Usually I tell people we were too young, when speaking of our marital demise. I also don't go as far as to call names or the like. But I'm the "asshole" that kept you from ingesting that whole bottle of pills - twice in a three month period, while attempting to put us on the path that I am now on. As you always said I am calculating to a fault. That being said, I succeeded in getting the opportunity to become a Marine Officer. Success means a great deal to me but you never forget those who have played integral roles in it (especially those who you pray for who still insist upon bashing you), so for all of the things that I dealt with as a junior enlisted Marine in a time of war, I thank you. If it wasn't for the struggles that I had with you: two suicide attempts before I made it back to active duty (both of which still haunt me to this day - partially why I haven't been "Close" to anyone since you), bouncing back from $9600+, a very messy divorce all while earning numerous awards and accolades along the way (because work was theraputic). It took lots of hard work and two years of driving every night after work alone into the wee hours of the morning (my idea of therapy) but I did it. My mother still asks about you (because unlike my father she knew where my heart really was), and still has the clock that you bought her for Mothers Day 2000 (center of the mantle right over the fireplace). When I see her she always asks if I have any regrets. I tell her NO everytime. We had our good times and we had our bad. I made the decision that was difficult (and did everything in my power to get you to hate me and move on) to ensure my ability to support a family if and when that opportunity ever came (something that I will definitely be able to do). I can truthfully say that I watched the things my mother had to endure during 16 years of my father's Naval career. It takes its toll, and on the end of my time at this duty station, I don't think you would have made it 6 months (because my schedule didn't change much from the time that I left until now). I loved you and many of the things I did were to not to have to watch you hurt yourself because of me (because I was/am focused on my career). Don't let the things done in youth and immaturity consume you (you still harbor ill will toward me - a waste of energy - thats noted at least three times in what I have read). I wish you the best in all endeavours that you may undertake in your lifes journey. Love Always. So Kevin, this is my response to what you posted. Anyone else who is reading, get ready. I�ll start with this: What I write in my online diary is what I feel � regardless of whether we are civil with each other now or not, when I think back on things that occurred between us I think of the negative because that�s mainly what our MARRIAGE was. I�m NOT going into the details of it here because that�s no one�s business but ours, but the things that occurred between us were hateful and cruel and demeaning and will FOREVER be engrained in my memory. And at the moment that I wrote the entry in which I referred to you as an �asshole,� I was already angry about other things. But since you decided to �point� this out, there is MORE than enough validity to the statement that I made. Yes, you were the �asshole.� The �asshole� who called me fat in public places. The �asshole� who put me HELL through the whole process of our divorce (which wouldn�t have been nearly as messy if you had just been FAIR and not tried to screw me over when all I asked you for from the beginning was medical insurance). The �asshole� that constantly made me feel like there was hope to work things out, but never �reconciled� for longer than a 48 hour period. The �asshole� that was so absorbed in being a Marine that he refused to be the HUSBAND that promised would always stand by me. Who tried to get out of our marriage on a �technicality.� And a part of me will ALWAYS resent you for that. Regardless of how cool or amicable or civil we will EVER be, a part of me will always hate you for that. I�m not embarrassed by the two suicide attempts that I had. But during that time in my life, I was too busy trying to make things right for us. I was working a job that I HATED with every bone in my body just to make sure that we weren�t broke. I was doing everything that I could to try to make sure that we were going to be okay. And contrary to what you�ve said above, your job was NEVER the problem � the problem was the more and more I worked, the more and more that I felt that you were trying to abandon me (which you proved later on). I was depressed � about where my life was at that point (because you know how goal driven I am) and the fact that I had a husband that I never saw because I worked night shift. I was depressed because the only comfort I received from you was reports on the bad things your father was saying about me and how you thought I need to lose weight, oh wait, how you would leave me if I ever got over a certain body weight. Well, it didn�t take me to get any bigger for you to prove where your loyalty lied � and it damn sure wasn�t with me. You hurt me by the things that you did, but you hurt me more by giving up on me. You hurt me more by not giving me credit from the door and instead treating me like your sidekick and not your partner. So yes, there is some hostility. There will always be some hostility because I get the pleasure of looking at my first marriage as one of my biggest failures. But as you said above, everything was not always bad. I can still look back and remember the 7 and 8 hour phone conversations we used to have. I can remember how honored I was to be with you at one point in my life and how proud I was of you when you started making moves to go back active duty. I remember the happiness I felt the day we got married (past my illness that day). I remember how honored I was to be your wife. I realized then that I couldn�t be your everything because of the job that you do � all I wanted was to be important to you� and for you to trust me to always do right by YOU. I wanted you to SHARE in making decisions with me and not make decisions FOR ME. I wanted you to be my husband. That�s all I EVER asked for from you. Were we young? Yes. Did we get married without fully thinking things through. Yes. But one thing will ALWAYS remain true: Kevin, I loved you with my WHOLE HEART. And when everything was all said and done, it hurt me with my WHOLE HEART. But of course, you weren�t around for that. You weren�t around for the aftermath because that didn�t concern you. In your own words, you did �everything in my power to get you to hate me and move on.� And you succeeded for a long time. You weren�t there when I cried on Lisa�s shoulder on my trips to New York. You weren�t there after the agruements when I was too upset to work. You weren�t there when you calling me names for 5 hours straight put me in the hospital and out of work due to stress. You weren�t there because you were too busy living out your life. But those moments made me strong. Regardless of the way things panned out, our divorce made me a better person. It made me a strong person. It made me wise way beyond what I was. But then, for a long time, it made me bitter� and hateful� and withdrawn, because whether you realized it or not what you thought about me and the hateful and evil things that you did to poison my surroundings had a SERIOUS effect on me. It took me to finally let go and realize that there was no hope of ever making things better with you to finally see the lesson in the struggle. SO FOR THAT, I thank you. The girl who had two suicide attempts in a three month period NO LONGER exists. That broken, depressed person that you fed all of that hatred to (you didn�t contribute all of it, but you had a lot to do with it) is long gone and what exists in her place is a woman determined to show herself the love that no one else can give her. A woman determined to succeed without ANYONE having any control of her success. Am I alone? Yes. But that doesn�t bother me. The only thing left behind from our relationship is my guardedness (which is the central complaint in EVERY relationship I�ve been in since you). The fact that somewhere in my subconscious, I still believe that one day if I ever trust a man with my heart, outside of all of the accolades and heartfelt expressions, that man is one day going to look at me as the ugly, overweight, weak person that you deemed me in your mind to be. And that scares me more than anything else in my life. I�m glad your mother still has the clock that I gave her, and as I said before I don�t regret what happened between us. I�m sorrowful that it ended the way that it did, but not regretful. You helped me grow � always remember that. When people ask me about our marriage, my response is normally this: It happened. It�s over. Moving on. And when people ask me why my name is still hyphenated, I tell them that you were a part of my life � an important part of my life and I acknowledge your existence like that. I miss the interactions that I had with your mom and your brothers � I wish I still had that, but I attempt to show that I still care by sending Christmas cards every year and letting things be what they are. Whatever it�s worth, I�ve always cared about you, them and all of your well beings. I�m glad that things are working out for you � things are looking better for me too. I can only hope that one day I�ll be able to find someone to share my happiness with in the ways that I wanted to share it with you. If you want to respond, respond to my PERSONAL EMAIL. Nikia -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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