...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Worries..." - 2005-04-08, 3:47 p.m. I have made myself susceptible to pain for the love of Cheetos. It sounds like something simplistic and petty, but if that's the source of enjoyment for me right now then I'll go through the brief pain. Let me explain: Since I've had to get used to the "fence" in my mouth all of my favorite foods have been off limits. No sunflower seeds, no caramel, no chewing gum, nothing. Eighteen months of suffering because I have braces. They said that I can't eat any types of nuts, but I don't believe that. I just think my teeth have to get adjusted to the pressure that they are feeling now before I can enjoy almonds and pecans again (and then look forward to picking the pieces out of my wires with my toothbrush). But it sucks. I need to stop complaining though. There are far worse things than braces. I should be thankful that is all I have to complain about right now. Wait, no it's not. I'm just choosing to try to be optimistic. Things have been so hectic as of late I just don't have any room inside of myself for further negativity. From work to finances and everything in between, I feel like I'm being closed up in some sort of vice that I can't get released. At work, I've kind of taken the "fake it til' you make it" approach to everything because I'm too afraid to lose my job to really voice any more of my opinions about the situation with my coworker. We ended up in this "meeting" day before yesterday where I could have swore that this woman changed bodies - she gave me compliments and was nice to me. If I were a different person, my head would have started spinning on the spot. After the meeting, I told my supervisor "I don't know who that was that was just in this room, but can we keep her?" My boss gave me "I know, right?" expression. It was just crazy shocking. Then, I got on the phone with my boyfriend that night and told him what happened. His reaction was just like mine - "You gotta be bullshitting." That night I went home and processed, because there are several ways that I can interpret this sudden change in behavior. I can look at it as 1) her attempt to try to make peace in the office and a genuine attempt to try and make things work or 2) her way of saving herself and total fakeness... almost a way to make me get too comfortable around her and eventually trip myself up. I'm leaning towards thinking it is a slight combination of both. I'm taking a more silent approach to the office and not really vocalizing too much of anything. What's bothering me though is that this same stance is starting to pass on to my home life. I spend more time in my room than anywhere else, folding clothes and cleaning. I feel as if I�m becoming more hermitic, and that's nowhere near my personality type. This past weekend when I was in Philly with Ral (I'm going to stop JUST calling him my boyfriend up here and actually call him by name - FUCK anonymity), we were lying in bed talking and he told me about how he feels that I'm closed off towards him sometimes. I don't aim to be that way but I can see where he would get that idea. My relationship is the most important thing in my life, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing him a disservice in my current state of mind. We walked to the store Monday morning in silence because I was so consumed in thought... so consumed in problems that I know I have to solve before we can have any type of future. I was consumed in a lot of worry. I guess that's one of the problems in being such an emotional person. Right now he's going through enough on his own to have to take on my silence too. I don't want to burden him with that, but I don't know what I can do to change it either. Silence is something that is DEFINITELY not natural for me, but it's something that is starting to incorporate itself into my personality. I'm sure that some would say that this is a good thing. I don't agree. But it's something that I have to deal with. I smile less. I work more. I laugh less. i work more. I feel like there is no balance in my life because although I have many things to be thankful for, I have no time to enjoy them, and instead of seeing that Ral is working as hard as he can with the circumstances that he is given, sometimes I feel that the longer that we are so far away from each other, the further we will drift apart. And I'm scared of that. He starts a new job on Monday, and I'm really proud of him. Circumstances won't allow me to move, so I have to take solace in my will to finish up part of my education. I'm going to talk to my grandmother tonight and see what she thinks about me taking some classes this semester. If she thinks it's a good idea, maybe she'll help with the costs. If not, I'll just have to wait until I find something better work wise that will give me the leverage to finish my education. What I'm doing right now will never give me that leverage. I think my disgust with my current financial situation contributes a lot to my stress level. Where the disgust with the people that I work around contributes a lot to my inertia at the office, the bottom line is that I just cannot afford to work where I work for the money that they pay me. Every day I see my finances drift deeper and deeper in the hole. This latest investment � my braces � is something that I had intended on waiting on, but the need made itself evident when I started getting shooting pains in the back of my mouth for no reason at all. It turns out that the grinding damage is exposing nerves in my mouth and causing the progression of cavities in places they shouldn�t be showing up at. So that�s another $3000 to add to my list of debt. Not to mention the car that I had to purchase after my accident and all of the other responsibilities that are on my plate. I didn�t think that the pay cut that I took at Nextel would make such a difference. I mean, I had accepted the fact that I would have to cut my spending on more frivolous things. But to be so outstretched that I can�t afford the necessities is a little out of my reality zone. And it makes me feel bad. There are so many people that are in worse off situations that I am and I�m complaining � it makes me feel so selfish. I thank God every day that I have a job that allows me the ability to be current on my car note and keep up my rent. It may barely do so, but it still does it. But I�ve got to solve this issue because I can�t keep up with everything else that�s on my plate if I don�t. I�ve applied for a couple of positions in some other locations. One I really hope comes through because if it does then I will have the benefits to go back to school and the ability to stay with a job that is pretty secure. I mean, I doubt that defense contracting is going anywhere any time soon � at least not this company. I just hope that I can get my foot in the door. If I have the ability to go back to school and they pay me a little more than I make now, then I�ll be straight. I can begin the process of finishing what I�ve started and hopefully put myself in a better position than I am in now. I guess I�m just nervous. I�m nervous of ending up stagnant and not moving forward. I�m scared of not being able to solidify a future with my boyfriend. I�m scared of disappointing my grandmother and allowing her to think that I�m not going to amount to that much more than what I am now. I�m so scared of what I�m becoming � what I have become � and I�ve got to move forward. I have no choice. -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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