...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"More to come..." - 2005-05-20, 10:33 a.m. Every time that I get comfortable talking to people about what went wrong in my relationship, I feel like crying. My friends constantly tell me that I�m looking at it from an entirely wrong point of view � that I didn�t lose anything and that eventually the problems that caused our breakup would have come to the surface anyway. I should Thank God that we weren�t already married or that I was pregnant or anything of that nature. I guess they are right�. But it still can�t stop me from lamenting on the thoughts that I had already settled in my head. I had gotten comfortable with the idea of being married to this man. Us eventually having children together. All of these things are ideas I had gotten comfortable with and now they are only past wishes that crumbled as fast as they came. It is what it is though�. I guess. But the �fan club� theory has helped tremendously. I have gone out on a couple of dates, and can honestly admit that I�ve had a really good time on each of them. It�s been so long since I�ve been to the movies, or out on a scenic walk around the neighborhood. It�s a refreshing feeling. This past weekend, my brother came over to the house and we went to the Stockley Gardens Art Festival. The festival was in walking distance of my apartment � the street was covered in artwork and the whole area smelled of kettle corn and fresh funnel cakes. It reminded me of carnival � I love those memories of my childhood popping up as an adult. We walked around and took in all of the atmosphere. My brother laughed because he said he had never seen as big of an oxymoron as he saw at the festival � a group of white women playing African conga drums better than he had ever heard. Hahahahahaha! I told him that they should play at Afram Fest because they are better than most of the other troupes that are in the area. Smoke (my brother) is so funny! But after we looked at the art and stuffed our faces on junk food, he took me on the other side of the water to see Donald (my other brother). I hadn�t seen him in so long because our schedules are so conflicting. So Donald and I caught up on everything that we had missed. He�s trying to get a better position at his job and I was telling him about my search. We talked about life and love and my breakup. Donald�s theory is that since he never met Ral, I never had a boyfriend so it doesn�t matter. His thought process on that makes me laugh, but it also makes me feel appreciated. But after we finished talking, the three of us (me, Smoke and Donald) went to Waffle House and had a 2:00pm Breakfast moment. WE had this really awesome waitress that we chatted with the whole time we were eating. Whenever the three of us go eat together, it is a HUGE circle of comedy. Endless jokes are thrown out, mostly consisting of cracks on old movies, me being light skinned and Smoke�s lack of sexual activity. But in the end, it�s always crazy fun. I always feel refreshed afterwards. So after we finished eating, Smoke brought me back to Norfolk and I basically chilled for the rest of the night. I had a wellness moment consisting of Bath & Body Works products, candles and good music from my mp3 player. After about an hour and a half of soaking in the tub, my mind was clear and it was time to hibernate. As much as my diary can sometimes be perceived as negative, I have to embrace the things that make my life that much fruitful and complete. Every moment that I feel depressed or dejected or like there�s no hope, the people and activities that make me feel like I have purpose and make me refreshed and revitalized always appear. And I feel a sense of renewal. I cannot act as if my life is void because I have many people that I know love me and are concerned for my welfare. But what bothers me is that where in some parts of my life I am overflowing in abundance, there are others that are bare. That have no building blocks� and that saddens me. I�ll continue to pray that those parts of my life find answers and that it helps me seek clarity. Until then, continue to pray for me as I know you guys always do. -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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