...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Love,... there's so many things I have to tell you...." - 2005-07-20, 6:26 p.m. I need to apologize to all of you for going off on that tirade in my last entry. Unfortunately, that was necessary and I had to say what was on my mind at the time that comment was posted. I really wish it didn't have to be like that though. My divorce is something that I try my best not to talk about up here because it was a long, drawn out process that drained all of my energy and caused me a lot of grief. But since it is a part of who I am, then I guess I'm open to talk about more of my experiences. Now don't get me wrong: me talking about my EXPERIENCES does not mean that I'm going to go into detail about my relationship with my ex-husband. I'm not going to do that because it's not warranted. Kevin deserves that respect at least and honestly, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I talked enough about it while I was going through the process. But I guess I'll open up to some of the "feelings" that I don't talk about that much here that have to do with the experiences that I went through in my divorce. But just don't expect a tell all because that's not going to happen. Those people who know me personally (some of which who read this diary) were there through the whole process and know all of the sorted details. But regardless of all that, this interaction has made the entry that I'm writing now necessary. I kind of wanted to go through things in order - a lot has happened to me in the hiatus that I've been away from diaryland, but all last night I kept processing over the things that I wrote when I addressed Kevin's comments. There's so many things that I feel when it comes towards falling in love again. I mean, God knows I've dated since my divorce. I've been in a couple of relationships, all of which have failed for many different reasons ranging from my guarded nature towards men to the guy was just plain crazy. But I still feel like part of me holds back because in the back of my head I don't trust a thing that ANY man has to say. I've seen first hand how people's sentiments change and how forever turns into "just a little while." And goes from "Hell no" to "maybe so," then "YES," only less than a day later turning to "Hell no." I remember going through that - fake reconciliation periods. I remember sacrificing my dignity to have to do things that I didn't want to do. I remember that void in the center of my chest that nothing could fill because I'd lost love and the only person that I wanted to fill that void treated me like trash. I remember those things. And with every man that I seem to date, those things come screeching back to the surface. Now I can't say that it was always bad. It wasn't. Crazy enough, fights sometimes turned into hours of laughter. In lieu of all of the bad times, I still remember the things that made me want to get married. The strength that I saw in my ex-husband and the way that his extremely analytical mind works. I remember being infatuated with his ambition and loving the ability that when we worked together as a team, there was NOTHING we couldn't accomplish. I still remember conversations where I said something like "When we're a team, we're unstoppable. But when we're fighting, watch the fuck out!" I remember those moments when I was at my lowest points and I depended on him - and he came through. I think one of my most vivid memories was when I was stressing over money because I wasn't working. I was going through the interview process for the job I ended up taking to keep us afloat (he was working part time). We weren't married then - we actually got married literally a month later. But anyway, a friend of mine got married and I was her maid of honor. I was SOOOOO nervous and had gotten to a point where I wouldn't shut up (that happens when I can't figure out what to do next). After the reception, we were sitting on my grandmother's steps talking about the reception. He was telling me that he could tell something was wrong. That night we just talked and talked and talked and I felt like he really understood me. He comforted me and made me feel like he was my soul mate. Moments like that make me remember the man that I feel in love with years ago. Moments like that make me never regret that he was a part of my life. But then, there are other moments. There are moments like the ones that I mentioned in the other entry. There are moments that made me want to give up - that made me depressed and in a constant state of inertia. Moments that I was purposefully betrayed and abandoned. Moments that I was degraded and made to feel less than human because that was what was meant to happen. Those moments drew me into a place that I refuse to go ever again in life. I was mentally alone, medicated (I was seeing a psychiatrist and they did have me on medication) and a miserable and dejected individual. If there was a more "adult" way to say this other than "It sucked HORRIBLY," I would say it... but it sucked HORRIBLY. Those are the moments that I remember an individual that I despise with every fiber of my being. A person that I wish never walked the face of the planet. Sadly enough, that's the person that I remember the most. Some days I still don't understand how everything went downhill so fast. One day I was totally in love and the next all hell was breaking loose. And in the middle of the separation periods, we continued to go back and forth over what we were going to do - even to the point where our divorce papers didn't get filed until 4 months after their due date. (Several of you probably remember the phone calls from me cussing up a storm about this) Kevin and I don't hate each other - please understand that. In the years that have passed between my divorce, Kevin and I have pretty amicable conversations. Our interactions are more so like the Bonnie Raitt song "I Can't Make You Love Me," where we just talk about life and what's going on in our own worlds. But honestly, I feel sometimes like my head is stuck on the things that I experienced. Since our divorce, I've been proposed to and pretty much so gone through everything else that would lead to the path of remarried. But when the time gets close to plan or make any type of decision, I turn into a deer with headlights. Like right now, Richard and I are still kicking it. I don't think it's going to last too much longer - he's a little too arrogant for my tastes - but before I felt like this, he told me "I can see myself with you for the rest of my life." And afterwards, I couldn't say a damn thing! Every moment that he calls me beautiful, I feel like he shouldn't say it to me. Every time any man says anything close to admiring, I always say "I'm not that deep," as if I'm not deserving of someone giving me compliments. In my head, I discount it as being humble but I know that's not it. All of my life I've been conditioned not to think of myself as beautiful or smart or anything beyond some overweight girl who just flat-out exists. (This was NOT Kevin's doing - it started WAY before Kevin and I met, although he didn't help that much either) And that's carried on with me through adulthood. I'm just glad that I have great friends that constantly tell me "Stop that shit!" when I get into my self-demeaning moods. Hopefully one day I'm going to find love. I'm going to remarry, get past all of these hang-ups that I have and eventually settle down and have some babies. Salaama and I always get into these conversations where I tell her after a while I'm just going to make a whole bunch of money and visit a sperm bank. Or turn out like Katherine Hepburn and spend the rest of my life with my dogs and cats. But I hope it doesn't end up that way. Even in my madness, I have a lot to offer the world,... and someone who is willing to be patient with me while I work through my "Stuff." But please understand that above all that happens in the future, I have not forgotten my past. I was HAPPILY in love at one point in my existence with a man that at that point I trusted with my whole heart and soul - with my life and my life force. And I don't regret AT ANY POINT giving him my whole heart. AND in the same token, when things went REAL WRONG, the things that I went through made me grow up FAST. Those experiences made me realize that I'm not weak. I'm not someone's doormat and I'm far more capable than I give myself credit for. So where Kevin said that I wouldn't have made it 6 months with his job situation, at the emotional state that I was in when we were married - probably not. But who I am now can take on ANY obstacle. Who I am now would kick the shit out of any job situation, layoff, illness, eviction... anything because I've got life experiences that have conditioned me to be THAT FUCKING STRONG. Who I am now... he probably couldn't handle. :) So that's the last that I'm going to write in length about my marriage. Maybe I needed this. Maybe this is my healing. Maybe after this, I can finally move through the darkness and find a little more clarity. Maybe... -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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