...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Invictus" - 2005-03-29, 8:36 a.m. Sometimes I have weird thoughts... things very peculiar and unexpected pop into my brain at very peculiar moments and I confuses me. Like for instance, I was sitting at my desk working one day and I started thinking about Timothy McVeigh's execution. About how quiet everyone was that was around me when we were watching everything pan out on television. The hall of America waiting on the confirmation that this man was dead. This man who had killed so many for no reason at all. This troubled man... I remembered the images that I saw on television: the anchors describing he last meal. The people in Oklahoma City in their special quarters, clinging to each other in support. I remember the description of the witnesses; people picked from the hundreds of people who had lost loved ones in this tragic event. Then I thought of his last words: Invictus. A poem that I had long admired before it became attached to a terrorist. Invictus. The strong words of William Ernest Henley that solidify self ownership and control of your won fate. And then I understood those weird and confusing thoughts that popped into my mind. Sometimes your brain has to lead you to the place where it wants you to be through memories and thoughts. The ultimate thought in my head was not supposed to end at Timothy McVeigh, the coward who took all of those lives in Oklahoma City. I can only believe that it was supposed to end on "Invictus," and the poem's current relationship to me. Out of the night that covers me, Let me explain: Through all of the transitions that I have had to make in the past year, one thing remains true. I have done everything that I can to not pity my situation or give up control over where my path takes me. When I lost my job, I immediately went to a temporary agency to keep my self afloat. Although we as people always need a forum to vent our frustrations, I am proud of the fact that I didn't have to do anything that made me feel like I was incapable of taking care of myself. Now, I may have had to do things that I think are beneath my person but that's an issue of pride. Pride that I have been forced to swallow in many situations that I have encountered in the past year. But it's only made me stronger. And it's that strength that I look to now. One of the hardest things that I have trouble dealing with is miserable people. The next are bills. In the situation that I'm in right now, unfortunately I have to deal with both. I'm broke, and then in order to make money, I have to deal with miserable people who have no self-esteem or self worth. Every day I come into the office, I feel like a part of me drains away when I encounter one of my coworkers. Her negative aura seeps the energy out of my cipher, and regardless of what I do, I can't counter it. When I started my job, I thought that she would be someone that I could learn a lot from. I mean, you would think that someone twice your age who has been in the position for an extended period of time would be a wealth of knowledge. But instead of being a wealth of knowledge, she's been a pain in my ass. She throws temper tantrums at work, makes being there a living hell and every day is a challenge when she comes into the office. So I'm placed at a crossroads: regardless of how inappropriate and immature this woman acts, she's got tenure and therefore has protection from the Civil Service Board if they every try to fire her. Me, on the other hand am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do my job well, don't get me wrong. But I'm still a probationary employee until May 28. So even though I'm doing what I'm supposed to, the easier person to get rid of is me. My supervisor continuously tells me that is not going to happen, but I still keep it in the back of my mind because I've been through so many other shitty situations. The whole thing makes me nervous. So I've started the process of looking for something else, at least to keep my options open. I applied for a position with a neighboring city, basically doing the same thing that my supervisor does for their version of the department that I work in now. If I get the job, it's a BIG pay raise so I hope it works out. I'm tired of being broke. But it will also get me out of the situation that I'm in now. I won't have to deal with the woman that I referenced above. Yeah, it is a true version of escape tactics, but I don't see any other solution. The situation is unbearable and either I need to take action to remove myself from it or it's going to consume me and put me in a position and mindset that I refuse to be in. Before reality set in, I would always take these types of people on as my personal causes, as if converting them from being miserable people to somewhat content was a personal mission and if I didn't succeed then I was failing not only them but myself. My mindset has changed now. Miserable people are going to be miserable regardless of what you try to do for them. If they set it in their minds to be miserable, then that's what they are going to be. For instance, with the same individual above, for Valentine's Day she went on and on about her fianc� (yes, she's getting married - I still don't understand that one) bringing her roses to the job and how he was this, that and the third. It would be one thing if she was just stating it for a couple of seconds, but her whole intention was to try to make the other women in the office jealous of her. I was sitting at my desk like "Why are you trying to show off? How juvenile!" One of the other women in the office (there were about five of us in the admin office at that point) came to my desk and asked me what did my boyfriend and I do for Valentine's Day. Quietly, I pointed to my neck, where the white gold and diamond heart-shaped pendant that my boyfriend gave me for Valentine's Day was connected around my neck and smiled. As "the co-worker from hell" went on and on about her roses, I finally succumbed to a juvenile moment as said out loud "Well forget flowers, I got jewelry." and she shut up fairly quickly. =) A couple of weeks later, we ended up in a conference room with my supervisor and the assistant director of my office in a "discussion." I've never been in a position where I felt like two superiors were begging their subordinate to do the right thing! This is how I felt in this situation. My boss and her supervisor literally begged this woman to act like she had good sense in the office. It was pathetic! And it made me think about "Invictus." Through this meeting, as she continued to go on about the things that I did that "pissed her off." I refused to lower my head. I stood my ground and stated everything that I needed to in a clear and PROFESSIONAL manner and in the end came out on the good side of the battle. Afterwards, my supervisor and I got into a discussion and she proceeded to tell me, "One day you're going to make an excellent boss." I felt honored and humbled by her saying that. Through the entire inner struggle that was going on inside, I was able to deflect that and make it work in my favor. I was proud of what I accomplished. So where the majority of my swear words towards this individual are saved for my talks with my man, while at work I still project an ethical and unfettered professional persona. That makes me happy. If anyone has any suggestions on better ways to handle her other than leaving, let me know. At least up until the point that I do vacate, I can use the skills that I already have to make it through. -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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