...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Trust issues..." - 2005-04-01, 11:46 a.m. Anyone who knows me knows that I take friendship pretty seriously. When I call someone my friend, they are a friend for life unless they do something drastic to make me re-evaluate their place in my life. There are not too many things one can do to make me do that, but there is one thing that is an instant re-evaluation in my eyes - betraying my trust. If I ever feel that I cannot trust a person with my words, my thoughts and my well-being that I consider to be my friend, then that relationship instantly goes from friendly to corporate. I know it might seem harsh, but trust is a major aspect of any relationship that you have with someone. I gauge the level of friendship attained between me and another person on how much of myself I trust them with. Some people I trust as far as I can spit at them. Others I trust with everything I have. Now, this is my thought: when I call somebody my friend, then that means that I protect them like I protect myself. If there is something that would hurt me, then I'm not going to subject it to my friend. If there is something that is going to cause me grief if it happened to me, I'm not going to do the same thing to my friend. Most importantly, if there is something that is going to damage my friend in ANY WAY if I act on it, then I'm not going to do it. It's a theory that has been tested to work (and now be law in my life) with the strongest of relationships that I have. If I have to swallow my pride and bite my tongue until it starts to bleed, I'm not going to put my friends in any harms way because I'm hurt or it's going to put me in any better position in the end. I realized this week that some people don't think the same way that I do. This is what happened: The miserable hag that I talked about in "Invictus" was up to her old tricks again. She and another coworker were having a discussion on the work floor about another employee - someone that I considered my friend (or at least a halfway decent associate here at work). They were accusing her of something that I knew she didn't do (stealing) and talking a fair amount of trash behind her back (which I'm SO GLAD I kept to myself since she's proven what she has proven to me). I emailed her and told her about the stealing accusation, letting her know that she needed to bee mindful of her actions and watch the individuals that were saying these things. I thought their behavior was the most trifling display of ineptitude that I have ever seen - childish and immature. Their actions are the exact thing that I tried to avoid when leaving the call center environment. But anyway, I told her what was up and naturally she got pissed. She was like "I'm going to call her." I told her AT THAT POINT "You know if you do that, she's going to know where it came from and it's just going to start more bullshit in the office." So she says she's going to say something to my boss about it. And I say the same thing: If you do that, it's going to put me in the middle of some bullshit. She knows that there is already drama going on between me and this individual in the office. If she was to have said something, this bitch would have gone back into my boss�s office screaming and acting an ass (which is what she did) and ultimately it would put me in a bad position. Do you think that she cared? Obviously not, because instead of calling old girl, she came over here and talked to her, then for the last hour of my day, I had to listen to "the seatmate from hell" do everything but be respectful in my supervisor's office. She cursed, raised her voice to obscene levels... she even had the nerve to take things to a personal level. She told me how I needed to "know my place" and when I told her that my mother was six feet underground and that I didn't need another one, her comment is "Well she sure did stir something up when she created you." TELL ME HOW IDIOTIC that is!!! Everyone just stood there: the person who was SUPPOSED to be my friend, my supervisor, and the crazy bitch that was saying all of this stuff. I have never felt so helpless in my life! I walked out of the office, stifling my instinct to drop-kick this bitch where she stood and sat down, defeated. After she walked out of my supervisor's office, I went back in and was prepared to resign, job be damned. But then that would be letting her win (which is what my boss said). I closed out my day on a completely sour note that day, spacer pain driving me crazy and my head splitting due to stress. I got on the phone with my boyfriend that night, upset and fiery. His exact words: "If you let that woman make you quit, I'm gonna whip your ass." It made me laugh for the moment, but inside I was screaming for help. I let stress take me out of my element that whole night, going to bed early, angry.
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. George Washington (1732 - 1799)Now since this occurrence, there has been an aftermath. The next day, my supervisor spoke to her boss (who happens to be the director of the arena I work in) and basically ran the whole situation down to him. I had a conversation with the assistant director to try to get some insight and intervention on my behalf to try to solve this before someone loses their job. To make the story short, the director of my office has now basically said that we have seven days to solve this problem in the front office or he's going to intervene... and I don't want that. Now, my problem is this: We all know that this woman is crazy and crazy people are in a world all to themselves. BUT if the individual who called themselves my friend would have cared about me at all, especially since they knew that this would get me in the middle of more drama than I'm already in, then they would have thought twice about what they did. I hold my friends to the same standard that I hold myself to. Now, admittedly that may be a tough standard, but that's why the majority of people who I call my TRUE FRIENDS have been in my life for five years or more. We have that respect and care for each other that does not diminish with self-interests or self involvement. I love my friends and they love me (I think! Heehee!) and I take that to heart... in my words and in my actions.
Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them. Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894), The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858Well, the way that I handled the situation is I basically deaded all personal contact and maintain a STRICTLY business relationship with this person from this point forward. I can't totally cut them off (I'm tempted to though) because unfortunately I work with this person, but my stance on this is that all personal contact is GONE. When people show their true colors, you can't overlook that. There have been things in the past that I've heard come from this person that I've shoved in the back of my mind as "Whatever." I've chalked it up to being in this area or what I refer to as the "Hampton University" mentality (which I'll explain a later date) that I am only familiar with because I grew up in a Hampton University family. (GAG me with a spoon)But now, since all of my push offs have been confirmed as true, I can only think of her as fake, untrustworthy and not deserving of my hand in friendship. At least not on a personal level. STRICTLY BUSINESS. But a part of me still wants to say "Yo, do you realize the gift that you just gave up?" Because when I love, I love hard and will do anything for someone who holds a part of my heart like that. Some people just don't know.... -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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