...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"A Letter to my Father" - 2005-05-26, 10:58 a.m. Dear Daddy: It's hard for me to write this letter because I never thought the day would come to where I would be in the position to write it. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I didn't have faith in you. It's just that I couldn't see you ever taking the steps to do what you have done. See, all of my life I feel that I was on the backburner, in the shadow of your habit. It's one of the reasons you and Momma divorced. It's the reason you moved cross country and left me behind. It's the reason that all of these years I've been afraid to fully connect to you. Although we have a good relationship, there are parts of myself that I did shut down to you because I was terrified of allowing you to get that close to me because of your lifestyle. I was petrified of allowing you to be anything other than a part of my immediate cipher - I couldn't allow you to act in the role of my father because I couldn't trust you to take care of me when you weren't taking care of yourself. And even though we've still got a lot of things to work through, I just wanted to let you know that there is no moment in my life that I have ever been more proud of you than at this one. Finances restricted me from seeing the actual ceremony, but know that every bit of my mind was on you the day that you finally finished your rehabilitation program. I know that this wasn't the first one, but I have faith that this will be the last. You've spent the better part of two years working through your demons. I trust that this time hasn't been wasted - I've been there in every capacity that I could though the whole thing. All I wish now is that you continue what you have started. That you continue to practice healthy living and stay on the right track. There are so many things that come to mind now that this part of your life is hopefully over. I think about how many years we've lost. I think about the anger that I felt when you chose your addiction over me. I think about wanting to build a stronger relationship with you in the past, but not being able to because you were either too high or too concentrated on your ex-girlfriend, whom to this day I think enabled your addiction. Moments that you didn't think that I noticed, I did. I hated and still do hate feeling like that. But I'm brought comfort in the fact that in my heart I truly do believe that you're trying to do better by yourself and by those who love you. I'm thankful for that. There are so many things that I want to say in this letter, but it would take up way too much time. But the important things I am forced to include. Daddy, I need you. I need you to survive and be healthy and alive - if not for yourself, for me. I need my father to be there when I become a wife. When I become a mother. When I accomplish the things in my life that are important to me, I need you to be there to share it with me. Daddy, you're all that I have. Momma and Grandpa are gone and Grandma is close to 90. When she passes, the only person that I will have to depend on is you. There are so many things that you've missed - so many of my accomplishments that you have not been able to share in because you have been away from yourself. Those times are gone - unfortunately we can't get them back. But I'm just 25. There are so many more things in my life that you can share in... And I want you there. I want you as an active part of my life - I want to know what it's like to be family again. The last time we saw each other was crucial - at that moment as much as I love you, I made the decision that was all that I could do because I couldn't force you to make the decision to clean up. I was so mad at you because I was under the illusion that you would fix this because you loved me. As I have become more of an adult, I realize that everything has to happen in it's own time - and this was your time. I'm just glad that you've reached this moment and you have the ability to continue to be successful in your recovery. I must tell you that even while you were going through your struggle, that whole process was not completely lost. In your struggle I learned so much. I learned about the type of person that I want to be and the things that I want to happen in my life. Because of you, I've never been reckless with controlled substances, and not even curious about illegal ones. For 25 years, I've remained drug free. Fro 25 years, I've never developed a dependency for alcohol. And although it might not feel like an accomplishment you may want to recognize, you helped me maintain my decisions to remain that way by the choices you made. You gave me the example that I used to learn from watching other's mistakes. And now, I can only hope that you'll be there to guide my future children in the right path without having to relapse down the road that you did with me. For that Daddy, I thank you. So take these words and hold them close to you: I love you and I am depending on you to be successful in your recovery. You owe that to yourself. You owe that to the people that love you. You owe that to me. Your daughter, Nikia -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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