...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
|
|
"BJ's Dumb Ass" - 2005-06-06, 4:40 p.m. My first "out of the door" experience with dating after Ral and broke up was with this guy named BJ. When Ral and I ended, I thought it might be a good idea to put my personal back in effect. Well, he responded and wanted to take me out. I was like "Cool." Well, we went out a couple of times and things were pretty chill. One night, he had come over to the house to chill for a bit - watch movies, listen to music - nothing special. Well, he knows that I'm vegetarian and he wanted some barbeque so we went out so he could get something to eat. No biggie, right? Well, most of the barbeque places around here are cash only and this fool didn't have any money. He goes to the ATM and for some reason (I didn't ask why) can't withdraw anything off of his card. So he's like, "Well, I guess I'm not going to get anything to eat." He'd already ordered his food - drove away from the BBQ spot telling the waitress that he needed to go get cash. I told him to go back and I'll just pay for the barbeque - Five bucks wasn't that big of a deal. His comment to me is "That's shitty of me to take your money like that." I said "It's shittier of you to stick that waitress with the bill for your food. Just pay me back later." So we take care of the food bill and I just expected him to give me back the money when he got paid. This is where it gets weird: He comes to the house unannounced - I'm laying in bed half naked just having some in from work, tired and ready to relax. I was on the phone when he walked in the room, so I ended my conversation and he was like "Well, I just wanted to give you the money that I owed you." Of course, I'm like "cool." This fool starts throwing down $20's. One twenty... cool. Thanks for the extra. When he got to three and four, I started to flip out. This dude gave me $90 for a $5 meal. At first, I got excited because I was SOOOOOOOO broke! But then I got concerned. I'm not one of those people that takes money (or anything else for that matter) from anyone. People who know me personally know that I'm choosy about the people that I borrow from or allow to give me things because I always feel like I owe them something in the end. So when he did this, I just looked at him like "Whathefuc are you doing?" His comment was that he appreciated what I did and that he wanted me to do something for myself. After looking at him dumbfounded for another 30 seconds to a minute, I was like "Cool." He left and said he would call me later. I went to the mall and bought myself some Bath and Body Works stuff with some of the money (I saved the rest for lunch the next week). Well, I found out later the reason why I didn't want to take anything from him. His expectations were that he was going to be spending the night at my house that night - WRONG! Many things I may be - but CHEAP WHORE is not one of them. So when he called me that night and I told him "No," the disappointment in his voice was pretty evident. It didn't matter to me - I had already cleared my conscience of any responsibility of his actions. He made the choice to do what he wanted to do as far as the money was concerned. It was what it was... but to me, we were still talking. I hadn't written him off - I just kind of busted his bubble. BUT THIS is where he got written off: My cousin came over to my apartment with her boyfriend to kick it and see how I was doing. I wasn't really feeling well - these were the beginning days of that horrible sinus infection, so I was home from work sick. Well, she gets there and we're just talking and shooting the shit. The guy she was dating was someone new and he seemed like a cool cat - no complaints. Well, we start talking and I'm telling her about the new guys that I have been talking to and all of that. BJ's name comes up. She's like "What does he look like?" And the conversation begins. Turns out that he slept with my cousin! Long before he met me, but he still slept with her. So this is my moment of decision; Either way, it gave me an easy way to just say "You freak me out and I don't want to kick it with you," which I was ready to say anyway. (BJ's annoying and arrogant as hell) But deep inside I really wanted to see what kind of guy he was - if he was as honorable as he claimed himself to be. So once "the confession" had been made, I called him. "We have a mutual friend," I told him. When I said my cousin's name, he acted like he didn't know her. I started to describe her (she has some pretty defining attributes) and all of a sudden it's "That's my girl!" like they were best friends. I was like "For real? That's great because that's my cousin!" He was SHOOOOOOOOK!!! I'm sure if I could have seen his face over the phone, it would have been white. Well, he said he was coming over to the house. My cousin purposely stayed over just to see him when he came over. Her boyfriend thought it was hilarious, because he knew that BJ was about to get caught up. To make a long story shorter, I asked this dude damn near five times in the course of the night what his relationship with my cousin was,... even to the point while she was sitting there I point blank asked him if they had slept together. STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, he looked me dead in the eye and told me "No." That they had never had sex and that he had "slept in the same bad" with her, but never done anything. So.... my response? I looked at my cousin and said "You know what I can't STAND? Someone who lies to me." On that note, she and her boyfriend left because they knew BJ was about to catch it. So I grabbed my purse to go get something to eat, he continuously asking me why was I mad? WHY WAS I MAD?!?!?! YOU JACKASS, why do you think I'm mad?!?!?! I just looked at him and said "Nope. Do I have a reason to be mad?" I drove and got my food - him in the passenger seat - both of us in silence. Finally when we got around the coffee shop so I could check my email, I said," Do you care about me?" He tells more lies and says yes and how he hates it when we're in silence. Finally, I broke. I told him I already knew everything before he even got to the house and that what bothered me the most was not that he had a relationship with her, but that he lied to me about it while looking in my eyes. He tried to play it off - acting like he hadn't told a lie and that it wasn't all that serious. At that point, I started yelling. I was like "It wasn't SOMETHING like a lie. You either tell a lie or you don't. The truth is the truth - it's not SOMETHING like the truth." So after yelling for about 2 minutes, I pulled back in front of my apartment and was like "Goodnight." I had nothing else to say to him. He comes following after me talking about �Let�s talk about this.� Follows me up on the porch and EVERYTHING! I looked at him and said, �No, goodnight� and slammed the door, locking it behind me. Then he BLOWS up my cellphone. �We need to talk.� �Well, I don�t want to talk to you.� �Well when will you want to talk?� �When you get out of denial and take responsibility for being the liar that you are.� It went on like this until I hung up on him. He continued to harass me until I finally told him not to call me. Then he emailed me telling me that if I wanted to talk, I knew his number. I sent him a nasty email telling him that if I didn�t want him to call me, then I damn sure didn�t want him to email me and that he isn�t half the man that he thinks that he is and to leave me the fuck alone. Thankfully, he�s followed my last set of instructions. (continued) -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
| Navigate Extras |
|
