...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"My heart is exhausted..." - 2004-12-05, 3:03 p.m. The Holidays are so frustrating... especially when money is low and everything is stressed. I try every moment to stay focused on the positive things in my life,... my relationship, the fact that I'm finally settling into my apartment and things are going pretty well there... but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's so fucking hard. I had started a position with a animal rights organization a couple of months ago, but things didn't work out. It turns out that this organization racial profiles and after finding an email about me that two managers had written in malice, the decision of whether I needed to continue with this company was pretty evident. So I was back at square one again. Luckiliy I was already registered with a temp agency in the area and they placed me that day in a long term position at a medical school that is within walking distance of my new apartment. For a minute, I thought that things were finally working out.... I started the position and realized that there was some internal drama going on in the office from the first day. My supervisor was griping about how she didn't want to "share" her employee with the Admissions office and that the people in Admissions were "special." I took it as what it was and made the decision that I would roll with the punches and see what develops. But now I'm placed in 50 million different dillemmas: Did I want to apply for the permanent position and end up in the middle of all of this drama? Then, some of the requirements that my supervisor asked of me just to INTERVIEW for the job were really stupid. Like she requested that I change my hair color to a basic color (my hair before was braided in a light brown and blond mixture - streaks, but bery tasteful) because she felt that I looked too "flashy." Bullshit from the door, and honestly I didn't want to do the things she was asking me to do but I have to live and times were getting desperate. The temp agency wasn't paying me hardly anything and bills were/are getting stupid. So, I did what I had to do, chnged my hair color and upped my game on the way I was dressing (she wanted an ultra-professional secretary on a slave's budget) in order to show her that I was serious about wanting this position. I interviewed for it and since she kept me in the office, I thought everything was all good. She called me in her office and told me that everything should be in order and that they were working out "issues" with the temp agency, that was totally understood. So I hung in there. I did everything they asked me to do and in the end they went with someone else. Two months wasted where I could have been pursuing other things... and now I'm at a crossroads. I'm not working, I don't have health insurance and then there is the issue of the rent. I'm so fucking stressed. Everyday I look at my bank account and see it go further and further in the hole... and it scares me. Through job interviews and praying that the temp agency will find something for me that will start soon, I get lost in frustration.... I get lost in uncertainty and not feeling that there is anything I can do to change this situation. "It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life. Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to money then you die...." - The Verve I'm lucky though... I have a great family and they know what I'm going through and do everything that they can to help. My grandmother bought extra groceries that I'm taking to the house tonight,... and my aunt is helping me with the rent. I just hate having to depend on other people to keep me afloat. I'm a prideful individual and thrive on the ability to sustain things on my own: it makes me feel weak to not be able to do that. So now I spend all of my time looking for jobs and putting out resumes, in hopes that something will come along and I'll be back on track. But Christmas this year is going to be hard. I don't have anything to give anyone this year and whereas normally I'm the first one gushing over Christmas shopping, now I'm only depressed over the things that I don't have the capacity to do. I have two job interviews next week; say a prayer for me. I so badly need to land something, so I can take care of business and finally get back to the doctor. Some things have happened with my boyfriend's job to where I won't see or hear from him until after the New Year,... and that's breaking my heart. I'm just in a fucked up place right now... a totally fucked up place. I take solace in journal writing and meditating... I started a book that I write my thoughts to my boyfriend every day that he's gone, and when he gets back home I'll give that book to him filled with all of my well wishes and hopes for our union to grow and become something solid. That helps alot. I'm just hoping that this situation that I'm going through will reach it's equilibrium soon. My heart nor my health can take this too much longer... Pray for me. -Blessings -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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