...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"And I want that,... too." - 2005-03-17, 4:57 p.m. I have nightmares sometimes. There are days that I dream that I'm falling off a cliff and that I never hit the ground or whatever I'm going to hit. I dream about crazy things, like fighting with people who aren't alive or chasing people that aren't in my life anymore. I dream about death... about dying alone... seeing my funeral and feeling that my life had no purpose. Nightmares; they wake me up from my sleep in a cold sweat, afraid to go back to sleep due to fear of dreaming the same thing. And at those moments, I'm tempted to grab my cellphone and call my man, but I don't. He would worry. Then as I lay there drenched in my own fear, I think about how the nights that I sleep next to him I never have nightmares. I reminisce about how much I miss him when he's not with me and my heart aches to be around him. I hate the fact that he's so far away from me, yet our spirits are so close to one another all of the time. In the moments that something is heavy on my heart, I feel like he can sense it in my voice. And when I'm quiet, he pushes me to speak. When I feel alone, he always calls... or he's there and I can just lay in his arms and not worry. It brings me comfort. "Love, there's so many things I have to tell you but I'm afraid I don't know how. Cause' there's a possibility that you'd look at me differently...." And I sit here and talk about my nightmares,... but I fuss at him when he doesn't get enough sleep. And he always tells me that he doesn't have a reason to sleep excessively when I'm not there. And even though I fuss, I understand. Because some days I feel that too. Most nights, I fall asleep on the phone with him. And on those nights, I can sleep through the night because the last thing I heard that night was his voice. But then I wake up and feel bad because I didn't say goodnight. But he understands. He picks with me because it's consistent... and I always pass out. =) But people who love each other do that. And even when I know he gets frustrated when I fall asleep on the phone, the next morning there will be a message on my phone or in my email box telling me "I love you." and that always makes my heart warm. When I don't hear from him at night, I worry. I worry because I can't confirm that he's alright. I worry because I feel that the distance is making itself more and more apparent. Most of all, I feel sad because I'm being selfish. I'm selfish because I want to be next to him and close to him every moment that I can be. And right now with our present circumstances, I know that is not realistic. I feel solid in this relationship than in any relationship I've ever been involved with in the past. The relationship before this one started nicely, but ended abruptly. We're still friends, but it wasn't our time and I lamented. I mourned for the loss of the relationship, but knew that it wasn't what I needed nor what he needed. But the lack of success of one situation made way for the beautiful thing that exists right now. It made way for happiness and comfort and a feeling of peace. The difference between this situation and any situation that I've been in the past is that I don't feel like I have to question where his love lies. Every day I know - every day he lets me know how much of an important part of his life I am. And I do everything I can to do the same. So the moments where I feel like everything around me is caving in, I know that regardless of any of my faults or stresses that he will always be there. When I get scared, he's always there. I just wish he was closer. Every day, I wish he was closer. And when I wonder whether he will be there always, he tells me he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. I want that too. And when he kisses me, he says he wishes he could do that every day. I want that too. And when my heart aches to be in his presence, we talk about how in time we won't have to stress about not being together... and that we'll have our own space to share... together. And we'll be married. I want that. And I want that, too. -Blessings -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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