...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
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"Richard" - 2005-06-08, 4:39 p.m. These are the beautiful words that opened my day: �I would like to know still, how could anyone hurt you? I imagine that in past relationships, you gave it your all. You�ve done everything you could for them. So you�re telling me that no one appreciated you? And as beautiful as you are, they didn�t appreciate what they had? Interesting.� I�m telling you, why can�t people say stuff like this all of the time!?!?! I should count my blessings � some women never hear these words. But hearing them now and feeling how good they feel when they are said only makes me greedy for more. But then it still leaves me confused. As I said previously, I would talk a little about Richard� and I guess this is my opportunity to do so. Richard is a guy that I�ve been dating for the last couple of weeks. We�ve been spending a whole lot of time together and admittedly I really do like his company. We have a lot in common � we both had really screwed up childhood and have far from perfect families, we both had (well, he�s going through it now) messy divorces with spouses that sucked, and we both have affinities for WEIRD things (like wrestling and 80�s music). It leads for extremely interesting conversations. Spending time together is pretty cool � normally quiet and relaxing, but sometimes I feel a little uneasy. As I wrote above, he�s going through a really messy divorce and right now he�s in the �venting� stage; some days it makes me feel like he�s looking for me to fill the role that his soon to be ex-wife doesn�t fill and I�m not anywhere CLOSE to ready for that. Right now, I just want a friend� and I�ve stated this. It just scares me. And then because he�s going through his �venting� stage, all it�s doing is reminding me of what I went through almost two years ago (WOAH! Time flies!) and how miserable I probably sounded to some of the guys that I dated at that time. I feel like he�s getting too close to me too fast � normally women are the first to want to commit and say amorous things to the other. In this situation, he�s more so initiating the affection and I feel like a deer caught in headlights. Don�t get me wrong, I love being appreciated but I am still a little apprehensive about the way that I feel about him� and the situation he�s in� and the situation that I want to be in (i.e. in another relationship). Some times when we�re alone, he�ll say something and I�ll just look at him like �Kevin, where the hell did you come from and what did you do with Richard?� Then I�ll start to think about Ral� This is the first relationship that I can actually call a relationship � that bullshit with BJ didn�t even have a chance to be called anything before it turned into the nastiness that I wrote about previously (see �BJ�s Dumb Ass�) But because it�s like that now, I feel guilty in a sense. I was totally, 100% in love with Ral. And when we broke up, I was 100% devastated. In some ways, I still am. Richard and I were sitting in his living room watching WWE Monday night and something pertaining to ECW (there�s a pay-per-view this weekend that�s a big ECW reunion) came on television. I didn�t even realize what I was doing � I�m sitting there with Richard calling Ral on my cellphone to talk about wrestling like Ral and I had never broken up and Richard was not sitting beside me on the couch! I mean, he didn�t realize who I was talking to and it didn�t cause any drama after the fact. After I hung up the phone (about two � three minutes later), we continued watching wrestling and eating Chinese food like nothing had ever happened. It was actually a pretty pleasant night. But the fact that it happened made me think that night when I got home: WHATHEFUC did I do? Ral WAS my boyfriend � he�s not anymore. And even though it hurts that we�re not together, both of us are in the process of moving on. From what I�ve heard, he had no problems going out and getting shitfaced drunk the night we broke up, hitting on other women as if he was free. I STILL haven�t done anything in the realm of that � every guy that I�ve met since the two of us broke up has been either through casual meeting or an online interaction � totally happenstance. But I still feel guilty like the two of us are still together. I need to shake that. I think the best advice that I can give myself is to step back and just let things be what they are. I don�t want to set a time limit on myself in regards to when it will be safe for me to get into another relationship � you know the �In six months, I�ll be alright to kick it with someone else� kind of thing. I�m an adult and when I feel it�s right, then it will be right. My life is not a Franklin Covey organizer and if I was to ever let it turn into one I would hope that one of my friends would grab me by my hair and shake me back into reality. I just wish that my mind could return to some sort of peacefulness. I feel like I�m all over the place. Some days I think that I just need a vacation. I�m trying to get my vacation time straight and all of my ducks in a row so that I can go see my best friend and my Jillibean and Aidan. I just need to find the time and the money to be able to do the little things that are important to me, then relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor. It just makes me sick to my stomach though where some women would be jumping for joy having someone care about them the way that Richard cares about me, I�m sitting here asking questions�. Having doubts� tripppin�. Pray for me. -Blessings
In memory - 2006-09-06 all content copyright its-a-newday 2005 |
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