...don�t try to figure out my experience � there�s no method to my madness...
THE INVITATIONOriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn�t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart�s longing.
It doesn�t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool For love For your dream For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn�t interest me what planets are squaring Your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center Of your own sorrow If you have been opened by life�s betrayals Or have become shriveled and closed From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain Mine or your own Without moving to hide it Or fade it Or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy Mine or your own If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you To the tips of your fingers and toes Without cautioning us To be careful To be realistic To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn�t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another To be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal And not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless And therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty Even when it is not pretty every day.. And if you can source your own life From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure Yours and mine And still stand on the edge of the lake And shout to the silver of the full moon, �Yes.�
It doesn�t interest me to know where you live Or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night Of grief and despair Weary and bruised to the bone To do what needs to be done To feed the children.
It doesn�t interest me who you know Or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me And not shrink back.
It doesn�t interest me where or what or with whom You have studied. I want to know what sustains you From the inside When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.
|
|
"Miracles Happen" - 2006-04-23, 6:12 p.m.
I remember looking at her like she was surreal � the nurse brought her to me and I just looked at her like she was something fantasy and eventually I would wake up from the dream that I was in and she would be gone. They had her wrapped up in blankets like she was in Saran Wrap � I don�t know how nurses do that; I want to learn though. Regardless, I took all of the blankets off. I had to see her hands�. her legs�. her feet�. her toes. I had to see my entire daughter. Before that moment, I could only remember being in the recovery room. My labor started with medication as I suspected that it would. 31 hours later, after numerous drugs and science experiments were performed on my body, I stalled at 6 centimeters� and the doctors determined that it would be best if we did a caesarean. Her heartbeat was getting too fast � we couldn�t wait any longer. I was scared � no lie. I�m sure they couldn�t see it, but my whole upper body was shaking. I kept saying the �Serenity Prayer� in my head � �Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.� I couldn�t feel a thing but my heart beating. I kept wondering what would happen next�. Would she be alright? Would I be alright? Where was Richard? 5 seconds later he walked in and grabbed my hand. I glanced at him and then went back to looking at the ceiling; I squeezed his hand and he rubbed my forehead � neither one of us knew what to think of the situation that had just presented itself. But in my heart I knew he was thinking exactly what I was: �I need to hear her cry.� I didn�t feel any pain � only pushing and pulling and pressure� and then it happened. Across the room I could hear this tiny little whimper � and my tears were immediate. When the doctors called him over, Richard took off towards her and I turned my head to see him. People in the room were talking but I couldn�t really hear them. A few minutes later, Richard came back and he had her in his arms. That was the first time that I saw her � the first time that everything from the ultrasound pictures and my dreams had been confirmed. This little miniature replication of myself � her head full of coal black hair covered by a knitted cap. My heart wanted to explode. And every day since then has been a blur. A blur of memories of what my life was before she came into my life� and how I could never imagine another day without her. There�s a book that I read a few years back where the main character gave birth to her daughter. When she saw her for the first time, she said �How can you love someone that you just met?� Well, it�s easy. Every day I feel closer and closer to her, and I see her responding to me. I see her opening her eyes and focusing as much as she can. I see her smile� (you CAN NOT tell me that�s gas � LOL) I see her move� I hear her cry out when she�s needy� I hear her talk in her own way when she�s got something to say. Everything in my mind is Akaiylyn.
It�s now Day Four � she�s opening her eyes more and more. We�ve finally got to the point where I can nurse. Richard reads to her when she gets fussy � I think his book choice is hilarious (he reads the baby �Arabian Nights�), but she calms down with his voice. Their time together is so special. Everyone as came to see her � her aunt came in from North Carolina and Lisa is holding her now while I type this entry (I love my best friend so much). There is so much love and support around me, I can�t help but feel blessed. I�m taking it slow with this c-section incision, which is something that I never do. It�s hard for me. Richard�s home from work for the next week, so that makes everything better. I couldn�t ask for better friends and family. I feel so overwhelmed with joy� and I have years and years to feel this way. And it�s all a because of Akaiylyn�. And the love that I share with the man that I�ll spend the rest of my life with.
I love you Richard, with everything I have� forever and always. Thank you.
Akaiylyn Elizabeth Miller Born April 19, 2006 7 lbs, 5 oz. 19 inches long |
